It's always about the start...Whenever I decide to do anything;
it's all about breaking that first barrier, crossing this high wall of
fear to finding a way of survival.
So, here I'm trying to start this goodbye, and finding myself
again facing this stupid wall of fear. I don't love you and that is a fact, I'm
also almost sure that I don't need you. So the big question is
"why are you still in my life?"
May be it's this stupid pleasant memories of past time
fighting in my mind with visions of my future, the two intermingling so I
couldn't be sure if I was happy or sad.
May be it's the fear of losing, despite the loss itself.
May be it is because I'm convinced that all what is happening
to me is my fault.
I really don't know.
All I feel is tiredness and melancholy, which leave
me weak and incapable of fighting my own dark thoughts let alone others.
I know I won't be able to face you with this goodbye, but I can at
least give myself the satisfaction of doing it on paper.
For once I can live to satisfy only me, for once I can think about
my own feelings without the guilt of not taking other people's feelings in
consideration.
Yet even on papers, I can't seem to let the memories go, I can't
seem to forget or open a new page.
It's like there is certain times in your life, things happen that
you won't forget. No matter how badly you try, that event has lodged itself
into your mind. Its fangs have sunk themselves into you and won't let go.
That's what is happening to me, I'm trapped in this excruciating
memory that only cause me pain, even its good times cause tears.
I look around me everywhere for an exit, even if it was a small
fire escape exit, anything just to let me out.
But you know what, every time I search, I only find you
and myself. And I'm sure as the sky is blue and as the sun rises each day that
you are not my exit.
So, that leaves me with only me.
Remember that couple that I was woefully crazy about.
Yes, the two seniors I used to talk about non-stop.
My fascination with them wasn't that they are old and still
together, or even of the way they helped each other.
I was fascinated with their manners with each other. Whenever the
two of them were together, it was as if everything else faded. They knew where
the other was in a room. There was always a gentle touch or a sweet smile. They
looked in each other’s eyes and you wanted to look away because it felt like
you were intruding on something very personal and intimate.
I don't want sweet talks, I don't want big gestures, I even don't
want big fancy gifts. I want to feel secured, I want to feel cherished, I want
to feel that my existence makes a difference. That your heart won't be the same
without me sitting in it.
No more talk, no more exasperation, just a welcomed numbness
that promises to leave me peaceful, yet empty.
So, I think this is my "Goodbye"
May it finds you well,
Me
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