Second goodbye

                                                                                              

As soon as your eyes met mine, after all these years, I knew that nothing has changed, I'm still heartbroken and you are still waiting, I want you to change and you want me to go back to what I used to be, we can't go back but we can't move forward - not together anyway. But just one look from those eyes of yours was enough to push my heart into the next gear and make it flutters with undeniable happiness. 

My heart was dumbstruck, you could have killed me at that moment and that stupid heart would still beat for you, but my mind had all the painful memories, each and every single one of them and that was enough to draw me back before the yearning that took hold of me made me forget why I left in the first place.

Every time our paths cross, I seem to have this inner battle between running away from you and running into your arms. Each time I force myself not to reach out and wrap my arms around your neck and bury my face in that spot between your shoulder and neck, it had to be the most perfect place for me to rest my head and forget all that agony.

Not that it matters. It obviously wasn't meant to be, because as stupid and forgetting as it tends to be, my heart can't afford another break.

Yes! We had a past, but we will never have a future.

And that is my - real, honest and last- final goodbye. May it finds you well    =) 

  

بدون عنوان

                                                                                                         

ضميري العزيز,

ما أنت يا تشد حيلك كده و تساعدني...

يا ألا - بصراحة يعني- تفكك مني, عشان أنا مش مستحملة....

و شكراً

To khadija

Dear Baby,

   Yesterday, I officially became 24 years old, but you know what really astonished me - besides being 24 and a year short of being a quarter century alive?

It's that I'm still retaining my childlike innocence and excitement at all sorts of things, small and big. I kick through leaves in the autumn, jumping and spinning and laughing when they crackle. I still get wildly excited when it rains. I wake up every day, bouncing. I love dancing in the rain and watching  the sunrise.

And, it feels great and I can't wait to share it with you.

Oh God! How much I miss you! I think I lost count of the times I prayed to Allah for you to walk out of my dreams and into my life.

Oh baby, sweet Dija ♥...

I promise to love you ultimately without any kind of judging or accusation.

I promise to raise in your heart the love of Allah.

I promise to sometimes let you stay in your pjs all Friday and watch cartoons till late at night.

I promise to not let a day pass without telling you how incredible, beautiful, talented, sweet and lovely you are.

I promise to raise you to be strong and brave.

I promise to walk beside you and share your steps until the end of my days.

I promise to be there for you, no matter what.

I promise to keep my ranting to once a day and to never repeat the same rant twice in a 24 hour period.

I promise to respect your decisions and not invade your privacy.

I promise to choose a good daddy for you, and not accept any husband to escape my own life.

I promise you to prevent any lack in my character to seep into yours.

I promise to protect you from terrible things in life as much as I can.

 But, in case I failed, it'll be OK. Because I know that you won’t sit back and say ‘poor me’ looking for someone else to blame... you will keep fighting... 

I know it deep in my heart that you will just keep on fighting... After all, you are not me. =)

With Love, 

A mummy you 

haven't meet

 yet ♥

Lollita ;)

                                                                                                                                                                                              

Behind my smile is a hurting heart.
Behind my laugh, I'm falling apart.
Look closely at me and you will see,
the girl I am...isn't me.

Deep inside, she is still there, 
the sweet, happy girl, you once were. 
Let me heal your heart, and see your true smile. 
We will bring you back, even if it took us awhile 

:)

one of life's best moments is mending a friendship with a dear friend, you thought you lost

الحمد لله

  

Sort of a "Goodbye"

                                                                                                                                               

It's always about the start...Whenever I decide to do anything; it's all about breaking that first barrier, crossing this high wall of fear to finding a way of survival.

So, here I'm trying to start this goodbye, and finding myself again facing this stupid wall of fear. I don't love you and that is a fact, I'm also almost sure that I don't need you. So the big question is "why are you still in my life?"

May be it's this stupid pleasant memories of  past time fighting in my mind with visions of my future, the two intermingling so I couldn't be sure if I was happy or sad.

May be it's the fear of losing, despite the loss itself.

May be it is because I'm convinced that all what is happening to me is my fault.

I really don't know.

All I feel is tiredness and melancholy, which leave me weak and incapable of fighting my own dark thoughts let alone others.

I know I won't be able to face you with this goodbye, but I can at least give myself the satisfaction of doing it on paper.

For once I can live to satisfy only me, for once I can think about my own feelings without the guilt of not taking other people's feelings in consideration.

Yet even on papers, I can't seem to let the memories go, I can't seem to forget or open a new page.

It's like there is certain times in your life, things happen that you won't forget. No matter how badly you try, that event has lodged itself into your mind. Its fangs have sunk themselves into you and won't let go. 

That's what is happening to me, I'm trapped in this excruciating memory that only cause me pain, even its good times cause tears.

I look around me everywhere for an exit, even if it was a small fire escape exit, anything just to let me out.

But you know what, every time I search, I only find you and myself. And I'm sure as the sky is blue and as the sun rises each day that you are not my exit.

So, that leaves me with only me.

Remember that couple that I was woefully crazy about. Yes, the two seniors I used to talk about non-stop.

My fascination with them wasn't that they are old and still together, or even of the way they helped each other.

I was fascinated with their manners with each other. Whenever the two of them were together, it was as if everything else faded. They knew where the other was in a room. There was always a gentle touch or a sweet smile. They looked in each other’s eyes and you wanted to look away because it felt like you were intruding on something very personal and intimate.

I don't want sweet talks, I don't want big gestures, I even don't want big fancy gifts. I want to feel secured, I want to feel cherished, I want to feel that my existence makes a difference. That your heart won't be the same without me sitting in it.

No more talk, no more exasperation, just a welcomed numbness that promises to leave me peaceful, yet empty.

So, I think this is my "Goodbye"

May it finds you well,

Me