She doesn't know a lot of things.
She doesn't know who invented the television or whether it was her mom or her dad who gave her her name. She doesn't know why her middle school English teacher thought she was smart or why She hated it so much. She doesn't know why the moon is connected to the tides - something with gravity, something about a pull and push in the earth. She doesn't know how many teaspoons are in a tablespoon and she doesn't know why her mum's cake always tastes better than the store brand. She doesn't know why she can't connect with people anymore. She doesn't know why she feels she is going to die every time she steps out of her home. And she doesn't know why everything hurts so much that maybe dying isn't the worst thing to happen after all.
She doesn't know why he loved her or why he left her.
She doesn't know why she cared back then and why she can't let it go now.
What she doesn't know could fill a few books, maybe even a series, she thinks. And that which she does know is far outweighed by comparison.
What she knows is that the look in her loved ones eyes when They see her ill is one of fear, one of desperation. What she knows is that she is loved...
What she knows is that they will never believe her when she says she's okay. Because the truth is she isn't.
She knows what her sister looks like when she's about to cry and she knows what her best friend's voice sounds like when she's standing on the edge. She also knows how to make her niece laugh, how to poke fun at her mum in a way that doesn't make her self conscious. She knows Her oldest friend's favorite songs. And she knows better than to lie to her loved ones.
Pushing herself up from the ground proves to be a difficult task. But she thinks she is on the right track.
She doesn't know what tomorrow will be like. She doesn't know how to make herself laugh or smile or what she could do to cheer herself up. She doesn't know what it's like to be carefree or if she will have a happy life.
What she does know is that there's a "today" and that she won't let it pass her by anymore.
Here's what she doesn't know: she doesn't know whether or not she is going to make it through. She doesn't know if she was missed when she was away or if stories were made about her. She doesn't know whether or not she can make a difference in someone's life. She doesn't know if she would have liked her life if she made different choices.
But here's what she does know: she knows that when she leaves her old life behind. when she darts out this black hole, she's not leaving what really mattered behind. She doesn't need photos or memories to tell her who was fake and who was real, who loved her and who left her. At the end, she carries her loved ones with her always. In her smile, in her heart.
She knows that what she is feeling now is hope blending with relief and it feels funny. It warms you from the inside out. Like coffee on a cold morning or pancakes fresh from the stovetop.
