Endearingly silly 7

"She was worth it, he thought"

The way she talked about her work always entreated him, the way she talked about making a difference or the way it challenged her and pushed her to her limits. But, there were these days when she came drained and looking like a kicked puppy. And being a preternatural curious person and all, he just couldn't help it. So he planned an innocent visit to her at work.

Seeing how her colleagues treated her and how she acted, confusion had been his first reaction then realization, and then rage had followed, closely accompanied by disdain and a lot of other things that had made him want to curl around her and just snarl at everyone else, because how dare they? How dare they treat his love  - the most amazing person he ever met- that way?

The thing was that at her work everyone knew what she was, but no one really took the time to know who she was, no one could tell what she was thinking just by looking at her, or guess what her next move would be just by the way her eyes glistered. And that was not because she hadn't let them in, that was not because she was an arrogant person who believed she was above everyone else, but simply because no one gave her a chance. And so, like a bull in an arena, the more she got stabbed, the more she’d tried to alienate the people around her, attacking with her head down if necessary.

So no, he wasn't surprised that no one knew her sweet side, how caring she was with him, or how loyal and affectionate she can be with her friends. It made him so angry.

Still, it made him grateful. grateful to God for making her the way she was, grateful to her for letting him in and allowing him to see her for who she really was.

So, that day when they went back home, he was enchanted by her every move, every smile and even every weird look she sent him, knowing very well how special they were. So, when he sat on his new shezlong - because you can totally have them on your porch and pretend you were at the beach-  right next to hers on their porch, the sunset light painting dark orange shadows all over her face, he looked at her and smiled because he knew that no one got to have what he had.

“I’ll let you know that my socks are starting to think about filing for sexual harassed,” She smiled, looking soft and relaxed. Her eyes were closed.

“Shut up,” he chuckled playfully. And then he just put more effort into pulling her sock off by using his toes, because he was evil like that. “It’s not my fault you keep using these weird socks”. He hated the stupid socks, they were hideous and that was the exact reason that every time she wanted to wear them, she had to search the darkest corner of their closet where he skillfully hide them.

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” she said, but her smirk betrayed her.

Once one sock was removed, he proceeded to launch it somewhere very, very far – seriously, green socks with purple polka dots, it was like someone vomited on her feet, wearing such things must be a crime somewhere – and hoped that some color blind crow would find it and relieve them of its hideous presence..

“Do you think crows can be color blind?” he asked, sliding a bit more on the chair to reach her other foot.

She opened one eye and gazed in his direction, saw him moving onto his next target but did nothing to stop him. “You are a weird man and there are times when you scare me,”she replied.

He smiled, “I’m not,” he complained. He could feel the warmth of the last sun rays seeping into his skin as he stretched just enough to reach her sock and grab it with his toes.

“yes, you are, and even if you're not - which you totally are - you still manage to scare me anyway,” She murmured, lifting her foot to help him in his task.

“And yet you still love me,” He argued, dropping the sock into an empty flower pot that was right next to him.

It didn't come out as a question – because it really wasn't – and yet, she finally opened both her eyes. For a few seconds she just looked at him, her eyes following the smooth, relaxed lines on his face, searching for something. “Yeah,” she finally said, when she found it. “God help me, I do.”

He got up from where he was and went and lied right next to her, like a big, lazy cat curling around its favorite stuffed toy . He couldn't help but sigh, because she so felt like home.

For now, this time was theirs, and she was his and he couldn't be happier

Endearingly silly 6

"He was worth it, she thought"

It was mornings like this that she liked best. The mornings where all she could hear was his soft whistling - because accusing him of snoring was so offensive - and the birds chirping from the slightly opened window across the room, and she could enjoy the feeling of just laying lazily in bed without a care in the world and without the need to rush through... Weekends - to her- were simply heaven on earth.

what made these mornings even more great was the fact that as always she woke before him, but unlike the other mornings, she can actually lay back and enjoy watching him twitch and flip side to side, trying to avoid the flash of sunlight seeping through the curtains.He looked so adorable that she couldn't help but edge her hand toward his ever so slightly, until she felt her fingertips brush his hand. He unfurled his fingers and let hers slip around his. They both smiled into their pillows. It warmed her heart knowing that he wasn't even fully awake yet, but even in his sleep he could react to her touch.

She watched as he flipped onto his side, his nose almost brushing her cheek. She loved the feeling of heat radiating off him and his morning breath trickling down her neck. It made her feel giddy inside.

She squeezed his hand lightly, slowly rubbing it with her thumb. It made his lips tug up into a smile and his eyes struggle to open. At first his eyelashes fluttered, straining to grow used to the light flooding into the room; then one eye popped open, the other one stuffed into his pillow unable to do anything. A smile rippled across both their lips and they exchange tender looks. 

He scooted closer into her, their ankles twisted together and their legs were tied like ropes. Foolish love was flowing through their eyes. It had them blinded from the world. It was like they had no problems what so ever and all they cared about was the fact that they have this morning all to themselves.

She looked at him all relaxed without all the drama, the funny acts and the short temper and wished she could share this him with everyone. She wished everyone could see the same amazing person she saw. The one that didn't like to be woken by light, that woke up with icy feet and reached for hers to warm up, that liked to cuddle, or the one that loved to poke at her dimples then kiss her nose.

It made so much sense to her on mornings like this. It became so clear to her why she had to keep fighting for them to make it. That their argument or even fighting meant nothing compared to the way they love each other and keep each other safe. Just laying in his presence, listening to his slow breathing and the soft patter of his heart beats was enough to prove to her that it was worth it.

She wanted to whisper to him how much she loved him, how she appreciated having him to share life with, but she didn't have to, she knew he could tell just by the way she looked at him. 

He smiled brightly and raised his pointer finger and tapped at her nose, she shooed his finger and wrinkled her nose. His eyes crinkling at the sides and a little laugh escaped his lips. Those were one of her favorite laughs, the carefree ones that made her insides jump and her chest tighten with fondness.

And just for those first few morning minutes everything was just the way it was supposed to be. It was just them; keeping each other warm and comfortable and loved.

Heartbroken :/

"That's not giving up. That's me just..." He searched around for a word, "losing interest."

The thing is, she knew that was what happened. She had repeated it to herself over and over again, on lonely nights when she needed someone to talk to and found no one, when she walked  into the coffee shop that used to be theirs, when she sat across the room from him where she used to sit beside him. 

But when she was saying it to herself, there was always a chance that she could be wrong. That it was all a big misunderstanding. Now, there's no misunderstanding. There was him, setting out the facts.

Just talking doesn't even make her feel better anymore. She's basically just throwing salt up into the air and letting it land on everybody's wounds. If ever there were a time to walk away, it would be now.

But God, it's hard. It's hard to let him go. It's hard to pretend that he is the scum of the earth when he keeps proving he's not, and she hates him, she hates him for not making it easy.

She finally got what it means to feel heartbroken. It's an actual sensation, like a rending of muscle and a rush of hot liquid through your veins that hurts, really hurts. It hurts because she looks at him,  and thinks, "no, I don't hate you at all, even if hatred is the only feeling you deserve from me."

1/x

                                                                                           

I still remember sitting in Geometry class, and being shown the { f(x) = 1/x } graph. A curving line that gets closer and closer to the axis, but never, ever touches it. Never crosses over into the netherworld of negative numbers, just strays closer and closer to the edge, lets the tension grow. I always thought it was the bravest and most determined curve of all curves... a fighter... But now all I keep thinking is, wouldn't it be better if the damn curve just crossed the stupid axis already?! It is just putting off the inevitable anyway. Wouldn't it be better to exist in the horrors on the other side of the axis if it meant breaking the tension?!

At the end, it's always better to know for sure - even if it breaks your heart - than keep hanging to a false hope.

اللهم ارني الحق حقاً و ارزقني اتباعه و ارني الباطل باطلاً و ارزقني اجتنابه... آمين

Second goodbye

                                                                                              

As soon as your eyes met mine, after all these years, I knew that nothing has changed, I'm still heartbroken and you are still waiting, I want you to change and you want me to go back to what I used to be, we can't go back but we can't move forward - not together anyway. But just one look from those eyes of yours was enough to push my heart into the next gear and make it flutters with undeniable happiness. 

My heart was dumbstruck, you could have killed me at that moment and that stupid heart would still beat for you, but my mind had all the painful memories, each and every single one of them and that was enough to draw me back before the yearning that took hold of me made me forget why I left in the first place.

Every time our paths cross, I seem to have this inner battle between running away from you and running into your arms. Each time I force myself not to reach out and wrap my arms around your neck and bury my face in that spot between your shoulder and neck, it had to be the most perfect place for me to rest my head and forget all that agony.

Not that it matters. It obviously wasn't meant to be, because as stupid and forgetting as it tends to be, my heart can't afford another break.

Yes! We had a past, but we will never have a future.

And that is my - real, honest and last- final goodbye. May it finds you well    =) 

  

Inadequate

                                                                                                                                                                                     

"I can do it!" She cried.

Then - as always- came the awkward reply, "Yeah – But. We just don't want you to get hurt, you-"

"Hey! I can do it!"

"Sweetie," they started, resigned to hurting her feelings yet again, "Look, we know you want-"

"Please? I know just what to do! It's not hard. Please. Please let me do it..."

They looked at each other for support as they - as always recently- prepared to deny her pleading.

So there she was again – the baby of the family. Loved – yes, liked – very, thought of admirably – sure. But still a little girl, still the weakest of them all, the one everyone had to watch out for, since she was too sick to watch out for herself. She silently looked to the ground and tried her best not to cry.

بدون عنوان

                                                                                                         

ضميري العزيز,

ما أنت يا تشد حيلك كده و تساعدني...

يا ألا - بصراحة يعني- تفكك مني, عشان أنا مش مستحملة....

و شكراً

To khadija

Dear Baby,

   Yesterday, I officially became 24 years old, but you know what really astonished me - besides being 24 and a year short of being a quarter century alive?

It's that I'm still retaining my childlike innocence and excitement at all sorts of things, small and big. I kick through leaves in the autumn, jumping and spinning and laughing when they crackle. I still get wildly excited when it rains. I wake up every day, bouncing. I love dancing in the rain and watching  the sunrise.

And, it feels great and I can't wait to share it with you.

Oh God! How much I miss you! I think I lost count of the times I prayed to Allah for you to walk out of my dreams and into my life.

Oh baby, sweet Dija ♥...

I promise to love you ultimately without any kind of judging or accusation.

I promise to raise in your heart the love of Allah.

I promise to sometimes let you stay in your pjs all Friday and watch cartoons till late at night.

I promise to not let a day pass without telling you how incredible, beautiful, talented, sweet and lovely you are.

I promise to raise you to be strong and brave.

I promise to walk beside you and share your steps until the end of my days.

I promise to be there for you, no matter what.

I promise to keep my ranting to once a day and to never repeat the same rant twice in a 24 hour period.

I promise to respect your decisions and not invade your privacy.

I promise to choose a good daddy for you, and not accept any husband to escape my own life.

I promise you to prevent any lack in my character to seep into yours.

I promise to protect you from terrible things in life as much as I can.

 But, in case I failed, it'll be OK. Because I know that you won’t sit back and say ‘poor me’ looking for someone else to blame... you will keep fighting... 

I know it deep in my heart that you will just keep on fighting... After all, you are not me. =)

With Love, 

A mummy you 

haven't meet

 yet ♥

Endearingly Silly 5

" The rest of their life"

"Hey! I saw that."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Yes you do. You were staring at me."

"Huh! In your dreams."

"You're embarrassingly right, it is."

"You dream… about…me?"

"Every day and every night."

"Ooh!"... " Sometimes I wonder why I put up with you.".... "Then you remind me."

"Good, because you are stuck with me. You are everything I need. Everything I want. You don’t know this, and wouldn't believe it anyway, but when your father called me that night and told me that you said yes, I was over the moon, no words can come close to describe how I felt, and the first step you took into our home, it was like you brought the whole wide world with you. Since then, I feel like I’m part of the world again. Like I’m necessary."

"Yooou!! You and your sweet talk. Why do you always have to say things that is pretty hard for anyone to top? But I'll tell you one thing"..." I look at you and I see the rest of my life."

Endearingly silly 4

So I decided to give each one a small title, this one is called "When she said 'I love you'. "

I stole this pic. from here, because it was perfect, & exactly how I imagined it to be

The coffee shop was warm and inviting and, though he’d never admit it, he felt butterflies in his stomach and warmth in his heart as he sat there drinking his black coffee, listening to her soft rambling, and watching her sipping her extra large hot chocolate with whipped cream and chocolate chips on top, laughing as she pulled away with a white mustache.

"What?!"

"Nothing, I just love you so much." He said softly, not once taking his eyes off her.

"Of course you do, who wouldn't?! " She said playfully, but he noticed the faint blush on her cheeks and the tension on her shoulders, as if she felt guilty for not saying it back.

So, yes, maybe a part of him wanted to hear her saying it, needed the reassurance that she wouldn't wake up one day, decide that she no longer cares, and leave him behind. But, the bigger part of him felt her love in her smiles, in the way she always scolds at him after one of his pranks and giggles after, in the way she wraps her arms tightly around him after a long day apart, and in the way she was looking at him right then, with eyes filled with love and vulnerability, as he whipped the cream from her upper lip with his thumb.

She sighed, and her blush got deeper, She kept thinking how wonderful he is, how she sat with her friends for hours telling all these stories about him and how amazing he is. He saw her at her worst. He saw her upset after a difficult day more often than he saw her happy, and if one day she came in a bad mood, or even snapped at him, he would hug her and look after her anyway. He always knew when he upsets her, but she didn't know if he realized just how much everything he does means to her, or how she thanks God for bringing him to her.

He was sitting right in front of her, drinking a coffee he hated just because he knew how much she loves that coffee place. Deep in her mind she knew it was a silly thing, not saying 'I love you' back, because she really does, but she couldn't overcome this huge wall that kept telling her that every single person heard this phrase from her ended up leaving her, and she was strong enough to endure it. 

But, this time it was different because it was him and the mere thought of him leaving was enough to break her heart. Sometimes she would look at him and her hands would shake like she was afraid that if she touched him, he would vanish into thin air. Even after a whole year together, she still thought that this was all a dream she had made up and that any second she would wake up to a nightmare; that he would be gone, and she was left alone. But, she didn't want something to happen without him knowing that she loves him.

'He tells me that he loves me and that he understands that I've been hurt too much to say it back right now. But, I do love him... I love him and I need him to know that I love him.' She thought with determination.

"Oa ouh! Am I in trouble?" He said with fake fear. "Because I was totally gonna fix it as soon as you go to sleep tonight, and it was already partially broken from that time when your dad didn't know how to open it, so it's not totally my fault."

"What?! what is broken? I don't understand anything"

"Well you got this face again, the one that says 'I'm so gonna do this even if it kills me, and him too, in the process', so I assumed you found out th..." he was smart enough to stop talking when he found that she had no idea about the disaster he left in the closet.

She narrowed her eyes and gave him her 'you are in trouble' face " I don't have a face. But, please continue; I'm listening"

"Nahh, I'm good" He waved his hand nonchalantly.

Despite whatever he was attempting to achieve with his 'everything is great' attitude, she saw right through it. "What did you break? " She said in a very surprisingly calm voice, which was more scary than her yelling.

"Drink your hot chocolate before it gets cold, sweetie " He smiled, looking far too innocent to actually be one. His eyes stayed a little too wide, and he really had to work at stopping his mouth from breaking into that huge mischievous grin.

"Was it our sofa? I promise I won't get mad if it was the sofa. Our kitchen machine, because that was already broken and dad promised to get us another." He didn't know that, but it kind of made sense; let's face it, her dad was the only person who actually used that kitchen. "What else did dad touch?" She tapped her head and he was sure that she was doing that 'thinking out loud ' thing again.

"I got you a present." he said while passing a small white box with a purple ribbon, 'nice touch with my favorite color, buddy. ' She thought.

She narrowed her eyes, tapping her nails on the table. "A gift! oh God! It's something big because you are definitely trying to sweeten me up and considering I’m already pretty sweet on you, that means you've done something huge." She poked him in the chest. "And I want to know what is broken right now. Was it the dressing room, because you know I love that dressing room. Maybe the table your dad bought for us, good I already hated that table." 

He rolled his eyes and then pretended to look for the waiter to hide his grin.

"Hey! Don't give me that look, your mum too thinks it is hideous, and she is his wife." She said defensively.

He sarcastically said "Our lovely, stylish table is fine. Thank you for worrying about it." Then he put his hand on his heart and with a fake hurt expression he said "But, oh! I'm hurt. I get you a gift and before you even open it you question my intentions. And by the way, this is our first anniversary gift."

She raised one eyebrow, but still had the decency to look embarrassed, and caste her eyes down while opening the box. He watched her closely, loving all the expressions that crossed her face, the way she grinned sweetly while opening the box like an excited little girl, then the shock when she finally opened it, but the best one was when her eyes softened and said "Oh, that is beautiful.". He dropped his eyes to his coffee as soon as her head came up.

"Look at you, being all sentimental and goober" She said teasingly.

"Whatever." He said grumpily, still not meeting her eyes and busying himself with asking the waiter for the check.

She gave him the golden bracelet and extended her right hand. He looked in her eyes with all the affection and love in the world and fastened the bracelet around her wrist before kissing the inside of her wrist softly. "Let's go home" He winked at her while sneaking his hand around her waist and grinning slyly.

She laughed and he swore his heart skipped a beat.

They walked hand in hand like little kids in comfortable silent, enjoying each other's company. Before all of a sudden, she stopped and her eyes got so wide.

"Oh my God! It's my recliner, You broken my recliner?! what did it ever do to you? Why? Whyyy?" She broke in sobs while he stood stunned for a second.

"Noooo, no, the recliner is fine. I know how much you love the stupid thing." He put his hand across his heart, aiming for a look of a brave knight but ended up looking like a scout boy. "I'll protect it with my life." And he couldn't believe he was able to finish that sentence with a straight face.

"Really?" she said while sniffling, with big sparkly eyes from all the tears, and he had to take a deep breath because she couldn't be more beautiful.

"Well, not really with my life, but I'll keep it safe."

"No, you goof, I mean, is it really not broken?"

"Yes, not even a scratch."

She was quiet for a moment. "Then, what did you break?"

He ducked his head slightly. " When I unfolded and sat on that bamboo chair in the balcony it broke and I might have grabbed that blue vase you really like while falling and broke it too, But it was a tiny crack"

She took a step closing the distance between them. "Just a tiny crack? "

"Totally fixable by glue." He said hopefully.

"And you will let me sit on your lap when we sit in the balcony, as we now have only one chair and all" She said wrapping an arm around his neck.

" I think I'll have to." He shrugged, but she was pretty sure that she could see a smile tugging at his lips.

....

She sat in front of him while he was fixing the blue vase, with all the concentration in the world while poking his tongue out the corner of his mouth, and she tried really, really hard not to be completely endeared, but it was impossible. So instead she played with the charms in her bracelet.

Each one a memory of its own. A tiny T-shirt, reminder of when they first met at a charity clothes collection event ; a bitten bar of chocolate, her favorite meal in the whole world, and yes, it's a meal; a TV figure, because he still couldn't let it go; number one, a signification for their first year together; and finally, a Heart to show her that he loves her, as if he didn't say it enough.

"I love you." She found herself saying softly.

He was stunned beyond what he thought possible, it was a real miracle that the vase didn't fall from his hands and shattered into pieces. "Wh.."

She cut him off before she lost courage. " I love you. I love how supportive and patient you are. I love how caring you can be. I love how, despite how many times I have pushed you away, you still stick by my side. I love the way you sometimes snore in the middle of the night. I love that you let me drink your tea instead of mine, and make it just the way I like it. I love your heartbeat when I feel it while hugging you tight. I love your jokes and your pranks and your laugh. I love everything about you, and I’m in love with you, and I need you to know that now, because if something happen… to one of us…I can’t bear the thought of you never having heard me say it.”

He looked at her fondly and without talking, he stepped forward and slide one of his big hands around her neck. He just placed her head on his shoulder and then leaned down, sighing, and knowing that at that exact moment his world became complete.

....

It was one of this weird days, when he woke up before her. So he sneaked to their balcony and sat on the only chair there. He still couldn't wrap his head around the fact that she said it.

He sat there enjoying the sun on his face with his eyes closed peacefully  But, he barely twitched as hands came to his shoulders, massaging lightly. He melted into it, not bothering to open his eyes as a breath spread across his face. It wasn't until a figure blocked the sun that he opened his eyes. He grinned up at her, loving the way she was smiling down at him.

"Hey" He greeted.

"Hey." She replied, bending down. He ran his fingertips along her jaw, she hummed and closed her eyes, still upside down. She rubbed her nose against his and said with a mixture of amusement and annoyance that impressed him


"There is no place for me to sit."

He grabbed her arm and sat her on his lap. He grinned wickedly with a hint of possessiveness as he noticed her wearing one of his shirts, perfectly too big on her, and then his eyes fell on the bracelet on her hand, and he felt a warmth spread through his chest.


It was a simple bracelet, but it marked their one-year anniversary or rather the survival of their first year. It reminded them of what they had, of whom it was worth getting to the end of the day for, of her smile when he had given it to her, and of every time they said 'I love you' to each other.