Heartbroken :/

"That's not giving up. That's me just..." He searched around for a word, "losing interest."

The thing is, she knew that was what happened. She had repeated it to herself over and over again, on lonely nights when she needed someone to talk to and found no one, when she walked  into the coffee shop that used to be theirs, when she sat across the room from him where she used to sit beside him. 

But when she was saying it to herself, there was always a chance that she could be wrong. That it was all a big misunderstanding. Now, there's no misunderstanding. There was him, setting out the facts.

Just talking doesn't even make her feel better anymore. She's basically just throwing salt up into the air and letting it land on everybody's wounds. If ever there were a time to walk away, it would be now.

But God, it's hard. It's hard to let him go. It's hard to pretend that he is the scum of the earth when he keeps proving he's not, and she hates him, she hates him for not making it easy.

She finally got what it means to feel heartbroken. It's an actual sensation, like a rending of muscle and a rush of hot liquid through your veins that hurts, really hurts. It hurts because she looks at him,  and thinks, "no, I don't hate you at all, even if hatred is the only feeling you deserve from me."

1/x

                                                                                           

I still remember sitting in Geometry class, and being shown the { f(x) = 1/x } graph. A curving line that gets closer and closer to the axis, but never, ever touches it. Never crosses over into the netherworld of negative numbers, just strays closer and closer to the edge, lets the tension grow. I always thought it was the bravest and most determined curve of all curves... a fighter... But now all I keep thinking is, wouldn't it be better if the damn curve just crossed the stupid axis already?! It is just putting off the inevitable anyway. Wouldn't it be better to exist in the horrors on the other side of the axis if it meant breaking the tension?!

At the end, it's always better to know for sure - even if it breaks your heart - than keep hanging to a false hope.

اللهم ارني الحق حقاً و ارزقني اتباعه و ارني الباطل باطلاً و ارزقني اجتنابه... آمين

Second goodbye

                                                                                              

As soon as your eyes met mine, after all these years, I knew that nothing has changed, I'm still heartbroken and you are still waiting, I want you to change and you want me to go back to what I used to be, we can't go back but we can't move forward - not together anyway. But just one look from those eyes of yours was enough to push my heart into the next gear and make it flutters with undeniable happiness. 

My heart was dumbstruck, you could have killed me at that moment and that stupid heart would still beat for you, but my mind had all the painful memories, each and every single one of them and that was enough to draw me back before the yearning that took hold of me made me forget why I left in the first place.

Every time our paths cross, I seem to have this inner battle between running away from you and running into your arms. Each time I force myself not to reach out and wrap my arms around your neck and bury my face in that spot between your shoulder and neck, it had to be the most perfect place for me to rest my head and forget all that agony.

Not that it matters. It obviously wasn't meant to be, because as stupid and forgetting as it tends to be, my heart can't afford another break.

Yes! We had a past, but we will never have a future.

And that is my - real, honest and last- final goodbye. May it finds you well    =) 

  

Inadequate

                                                                                                                                                                                     

"I can do it!" She cried.

Then - as always- came the awkward reply, "Yeah – But. We just don't want you to get hurt, you-"

"Hey! I can do it!"

"Sweetie," they started, resigned to hurting her feelings yet again, "Look, we know you want-"

"Please? I know just what to do! It's not hard. Please. Please let me do it..."

They looked at each other for support as they - as always recently- prepared to deny her pleading.

So there she was again – the baby of the family. Loved – yes, liked – very, thought of admirably – sure. But still a little girl, still the weakest of them all, the one everyone had to watch out for, since she was too sick to watch out for herself. She silently looked to the ground and tried her best not to cry.

بدون عنوان

                                                                                                         

ضميري العزيز,

ما أنت يا تشد حيلك كده و تساعدني...

يا ألا - بصراحة يعني- تفكك مني, عشان أنا مش مستحملة....

و شكراً

To khadija

Dear Baby,

   Yesterday, I officially became 24 years old, but you know what really astonished me - besides being 24 and a year short of being a quarter century alive?

It's that I'm still retaining my childlike innocence and excitement at all sorts of things, small and big. I kick through leaves in the autumn, jumping and spinning and laughing when they crackle. I still get wildly excited when it rains. I wake up every day, bouncing. I love dancing in the rain and watching  the sunrise.

And, it feels great and I can't wait to share it with you.

Oh God! How much I miss you! I think I lost count of the times I prayed to Allah for you to walk out of my dreams and into my life.

Oh baby, sweet Dija ♥...

I promise to love you ultimately without any kind of judging or accusation.

I promise to raise in your heart the love of Allah.

I promise to sometimes let you stay in your pjs all Friday and watch cartoons till late at night.

I promise to not let a day pass without telling you how incredible, beautiful, talented, sweet and lovely you are.

I promise to raise you to be strong and brave.

I promise to walk beside you and share your steps until the end of my days.

I promise to be there for you, no matter what.

I promise to keep my ranting to once a day and to never repeat the same rant twice in a 24 hour period.

I promise to respect your decisions and not invade your privacy.

I promise to choose a good daddy for you, and not accept any husband to escape my own life.

I promise you to prevent any lack in my character to seep into yours.

I promise to protect you from terrible things in life as much as I can.

 But, in case I failed, it'll be OK. Because I know that you won’t sit back and say ‘poor me’ looking for someone else to blame... you will keep fighting... 

I know it deep in my heart that you will just keep on fighting... After all, you are not me. =)

With Love, 

A mummy you 

haven't meet

 yet ♥

Endearingly Silly 5

" The rest of their life"

"Hey! I saw that."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Yes you do. You were staring at me."

"Huh! In your dreams."

"You're embarrassingly right, it is."

"You dream… about…me?"

"Every day and every night."

"Ooh!"... " Sometimes I wonder why I put up with you.".... "Then you remind me."

"Good, because you are stuck with me. You are everything I need. Everything I want. You don’t know this, and wouldn't believe it anyway, but when your father called me that night and told me that you said yes, I was over the moon, no words can come close to describe how I felt, and the first step you took into our home, it was like you brought the whole wide world with you. Since then, I feel like I’m part of the world again. Like I’m necessary."

"Yooou!! You and your sweet talk. Why do you always have to say things that is pretty hard for anyone to top? But I'll tell you one thing"..." I look at you and I see the rest of my life."